Jealousy, Frustration Are Progeny of Stepfamilies--Not Instant Love

It was all smiles and camaraderie for TV’s “Brady Bunch,” but the reality of most stepfamilies is jealousy and frustration.

Most often, stepsiblings and their parents must go through the hard knocks of experience, or intensive therapy, to bring the new household to a tolerable level, according to experts.

“There is this myth of instant love, that everybody is going to get along just because the couple is in love. Well, that just doesn’t happen right off the bat. Sometimes it never happens,” said Barbara Mullen, director of the Stepfamilies Association of America.

With nearly half of first marriages ending in divorce and the high incidence of remarriage, by 1990 more than a fourth of American children under the age of 18 will be part of a stepfamily, according to Paul Glick, a demographics expert formerly with the National Institutes of Health.

Mothers Get Custody

The modern stepfamily generally means a stepfather enters the household, since 90% of child-custody awards are granted to mothers.

“In the ‘70s, it was single parenting and divorce. The stepfamily is the family of the ‘80s. Everybody you know is somehow touched by this,” said Mullen, custodial stepmother of two teen-age girls, ages 13 and 16.

The Towson, Md.-based Stepfamily Assn. has chapters in 30 states that organize community support groups and workshops. Mullen says the agency receives 300 inquiries a month.

“The call I get most often is from the instant stepmother like me who had never been married before,” said Mullen. “The question is, ‘What is my role’? You are not the mother and you are not the big friend and you are not the aunt, but you’re supposed to discipline and do all this stuff.

‘They Already Had a Mother’

“I remember one night crying. I was hurting because it wasn’t the way I thought it would be. I had this whole image of me coming in and being this wonderful role model, and in effect they already had a mother.”

“It’s very, very confusing,” agreed a Washington psychotherapist whose 10-year-old stepson lives with her and her husband three days a week.

“On one level, you’re in this mother role. But, in reality, the child has a real mother, in our case, living down the street. So the $64,000 question is, ‘Who are you?’ ”

Cherie Burns, author of “Stepmotherhood,” finds exercising emotional restraint with her two stepdaughters, both in their 20s, helps her handle the relationship.

“A stepmother should put limits on how much you allow yourself to become emotionally attached,” said Burns who has two “ours” children with her husband, ages 3 and 5.

“You need to care, but the bottom line is they are not your kids. They are never going to have that tight psychological bond with you they have with a natural parent.”

Veteran Stepparent

When Margie Goldsmith of New York married for the second time, she was already a veteran of the stepfamily unit. Her first husband had two children by a previous marriage.

After the divorce, Goldsmith said, the break from her stepchildren was easy in the absence of the “tight psychological bond” Burns addresses.

“I’m divorced from my first husband and from his kids as well,” said Goldsmith, who owns a film production company. “The difference between stepkids and real kids is that, if you leave the marriage, you can also disinherit the stepkids.”

She became a stepmother again 2 1/2 years ago, to lawyer Jack Nusbaum’s children, then ages 18 and 20. Having veteran status has made her more successful in the role.

‘You Have No Rights’

“The reason the relationship is excellent is that I realized without being told that you have no rights at all,” said Goldsmith, who doesn’t want children of her own.

“You cannot try to impose your own values, morals or desires just because you married into the family. What I really want to do as a stepmother is to love and to be loved by another human being. I’ve got the best of both worlds because I don’t tell them what to do so they don’t have to hate me.”

Both children have a minimal relationship with their natural mother and consider the Goldsmith-Nusbaum apartment their primary home.

“To me, she is definitely a mother, and I’d say she is a friend too,” said Gary Nusbaum, 20, of Goldsmith. A junior at the University of Pennsylvania, he visits one weekend a month and lives at home during the summer.

Didn’t Want Life Changed

“When my dad told me he was going to get married, I was very, very upset. I didn’t know Margie and I didn’t want someone coming into my life and changing it. But it has worked out perfectly because Margie gave me my space.”

He acknowledges that his sister is not as convinced. “She’s definitely not as happy as I am because they are both women, and they are clawing at each other a lot.”