Punch Lines

Olympics farewell: U.S. athletes won so many gold medals, says Argus Hamilton, “By the end of the Games a poll showed that 96% of the human race would rather hear ‘Feelings’ than sit through ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ again.”

Sunday night, says Alan Ray, “More than 80,000 people gathered in Atlanta for a common purpose: to get on the same airplane.”

Everybody had their favorite moment in the closing ceremonies, says Hamilton. “But when the Nike Sweatshop Children’s Choir sang ’16 Tons,’ there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.”

Wheaties plans to feature the entire U.S. women’s gymnastics team on cereal boxes. Says Gary Easley, “They’re so tiny, it takes all of them to eat one recommended daily serving.”

Asks Greg Gilmore, “Is there any truth to the rumor that Kerri Strug will be the official spokeswoman for the U.S. Helium Producers Assn.?”

* Says Bob Mills, “Strug’s income is sure to skyrocket. She’ll go from UCLA to ‘U Own LA.’ ”

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In the news: Bob Dole is proposing a 15% tax cut for everyone, $500-per-child tax credit and halving the capital gains tax. Says Alex Pearlstein, “This clears things up. When Dole talks about ‘deficit reduction,’ he’s only referring to his poll numbers.”

* “What a jolly fellow! The only difference between Dole and Santa Claus is that Santa will still be around in December.” (Hamilton)

* “Must be deja voodoo economics.” (Timothy Lange)

* “Sounds like his campaign’s in deep voodoo.” (Jenny Church)

Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Dole will each have a cookie recipe in next month’s Family Circle magazine. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Oddly, Hillary’s cookies are topped with shredded documents.”

O.J. Simpson’s former girlfriend Paula Barbieri is reportedly now dating Mike Tyson. Says Premiere, “Apparently, Ike Turner wasn’t available.”

Rumors are that the comics-page wedding of Rex Morgan M.D. was nearly canceled in a last-minute argument over budget, says Steve Voldseth. “He wanted to go with the cheaper black-and-white weekday wedding and she insisted on the full-color Sunday one.”

Pamela Anderson Lee has returned to “Baywatch” for the first time since her baby was born. Says Hamilton, “She brought little Brandon to work. Sure enough, he had that cocky ‘they’re all mine!’ gleam in his eye.”

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Reader Patricia Steele of Newport Beach says neighbor Mark, 5, came running up to her one morning and proudly showed off the new watch he had received for his birthday. “Oh, Mark, it’s beautiful,” she said, adding, “Can you tell me what time it is?” He looked at it rather bewilderingly and sighed:

“No, I can’t--the hands keep moving.”