Punch Lines

The Prez: President Clinton is doing well after knee surgery following a fall. “Clinton’s transformation to a Republican is complete,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “He is now Jerry Ford.”

* “The government is saying he fell,” says Jay Leno. “But Pierre Salinger says Clinton was hit by a Navy missile.”

* “They’ve got his knee wrapped in a copy of the welfare reform law he signed,” says Argus Hamilton. “Doctors told him to keep something cold on it.”

* “The tendon that was reattached is the one that jerks the knee up and down. Thus its colloquial name, the Politicians’ Tendon.” (Bill Williams)

* Today Bill goes to Finland, Hillary Clinton goes to Africa and Al Gore goes to China, says Hamilton. “It’s a familiar scene from ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,’ the part where they split up to confuse the posse.”

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Around the Country: A Time/CNN poll shows that only 49% of voters think Gore would make a good president. “Why?” asks the Scoop. “For the same reason girls don’t think the captain of the math team would make a good prom date.”

A Harvard study found that kids who feel loved grow into healthier adults. “On the plus side for the unloved group, they tended to land high paying jobs as IRS auditors,” says Bob Mills.

“A New York program pays hospitals to reduce the number of doctors on staff,” says Alan Ray. “Terminating a physician in a hospital is tough. First, you have to find one.”

A $100-million class action suit has been filed against America Online. Says Ray, “The case could take years before it reaches the courts. The plaintiffs filed their briefs via e-mail.”

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In Show Biz: “Return of the Jedi” was No. 1 over the weekend. “Yoda knocked out Howard Stern,” comments the Scoop. “Not bad for a dying 900-year-old muppet.”

* “If ‘Jedi’ did well, the studio said it would re-release ‘Star Wars,’ which hasn’t been re-released since January,” says Premiere Morning Sickness.

“At the Blockbuster Video Awards, Pauly Shore was honored with the ‘Special Appreciation Award,’ ” says Rudolph J. Cecera. “It seems whenever his movies are in theaters, people flock to Blockbuster.”

A Los Angeles company will release a CD of Dr. Jack Kevorkian playing his jazz compositions for flute. “I’d even take Kenny G over Kevorkian,” says Alex Kaseberg. “Kenny G will put you to sleep, but he won’t kill you.”

* “If you go to one of Kevorkian’s concerts, be careful, because that flute is apparently also a blowgun.” (Funny Scheet)

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Reader Donna Ring of Vista picked up her 10-year-old granddaughter, Kate, after the school called to say she might have pinkeye. As she got into the car, Kate said:

“I don’t want to go to the doctor. Can’t we just take a Polaroid and fax it to him?”