Punch Lines

Modern Living: The Commission on the Future of Medical Education concluded that new doctors will need HMO schooling, says Jimmy McGill. “The referrals have been submitted, and the doctors must now wait two weeks to see if their training requests will be denied.”

There is a new Jerry Garcia credit card. “It’s especially useful on those long, strange trips.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

* “Don’t leave the micro-bus without it,” says Steve Voldseth.

* Leaders of the Southern Baptist Convention are urging their 15.7 million members to boycott all Disney films, parks and products, because of the company’s “gay-friendly” policies. “The final straw was when Disney announced Tweedledee could get health insurance coverage for his life partner, Tweedledum.” (Jerry Perisho)

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Ad Mammal: The Federal Trade Commission continues to go after Joe Camel for allegedly enticing minors to smoke. “Other brands have problems too. Marlboro executives are saying their ads are targeted to sell horses, not cigarettes.” (Aldo Cammarota)

* “The government wants Joe Camel ads where kids will never see them. How about inside algebra textbooks?” (Jay Leno)

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Kato Planet: Kato Kaelin is engaged. “How’d you like to be a fly on the wall when he meets his future father-in-law? ‘Son, what are your intentions?’ ‘Well, I’m thinking of changing my hair color.’ ” (Leno)

* “According to Entertainment Weekly, Kato is ready to write again--a ‘tell-all’ book,” says Gary Easley. “He’s doing it to make up for his ‘say what?’ testimony.”

* “It’s all about his adventures living in the publisher’s guest house while writing his first book,” says Bob Mills.

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Bill and Newt: “Greenpeace members dumped a 5-foot pile of coal on the Capitol lawn,” says Argus Hamilton. “Within an hour, President Clinton had sold the mining rights to Indonesia.”

GOP hard-liners in the House are going after Newt Gingrich, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Fortunately for Newt, he included a no-trade clause in his ‘contract with America.’ ”

Gingrich celebrated his 54th birthday Tuesday, says Leno. “A quiet man, Newt. He just spent the evening in his office, cutting off disaster aid to flood victims.”

The president picked La Jolla to give his speech supporting affirmative action, an interesting choice. “It’s the richest town anywhere,” says Hamilton. “Last week someone stole $50,000 from a La Jolla bank, and police are still looking for a motive.”

Reader Susan Krzywicki was talking with her 6-year-old granddaughter, Kelsey, on the phone and asked her when a recent party had occurred. Kelsey, not quite grasping enough vocabulary to cover the situation, rose to the occasion.

“It was longer than a short time but shorter than a long time ago.”