CDNTBKRL

Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV*

*

IWASS ROBBED ANNDD IDIDNOT

EVONN NOIT TILL UNO KOPP

DDID PULLME OVAH. “YRU DRVNN

WITH NOPL8S?” HESED.

*

ANDIAM ALLL: MPOSBL!

CNTBLVT! SAIT8SO!

*

MIPL8--”PL8SPK”--GONE!

RITE THERR ONDSIDE OFD

HLYWD FWY, MYY IBALLS POPPED

OUTOF MYY HED. AFELON,

DSPKABL, AMEAN1 DIDITT.

*

SOOON IDO KALMDN ANDTHEN

MII SHOK TRNS4MD N2 SUMTHNG

NICER. OBVISLY SUM1 DDID RIPOFF

MYPL8 BEKOZ ITSA ONLYNLA KINDA

POPCLTR RTIFACT. OMYYES!

NMYMND DATHIEF WENTE FROM

CLDHRTD PERP TTO AFAN. OVER

ZEALOUS, TRUE, BUT SIMPLEE

DAZZLED BI MYY MEDIA IMAJ.

*

IHADD2 DLWIDIT. IAMM MRFAME.

LYKE ELVIS.

*

SSO HOWCANI BE SHOCKED ORR,

FRNKLEE, IRTATED, WHENNNN 1A

MYFANZ GETZ KARIAWY? IDOIDO

IMAJIN DAT 2DAI MIII STLNPL8

HOLDS DPLACE UV HONORE INA

PRIVIT SHRINE DEDIC8D TU

MIWORK. OHHHH, NAWTI FANN!

NAUTTY, NAUTI FAN!

*

IDID XPLNTHS 2D DMVLADI.

ESP THE PART ABOWT ELLVIS.

*

“YRTRIPN,” SHESED. “I4 ONE

NEVER HRD OF YU. THE1 WHOO

DYD ZIS ONLY 1TED D2000

REG TAG. ANDNOW YUR PL8 IZZ

NDA GARBOJ SUMWARE.”

*

IM KRSHD. ISED 2MYSLF, “WHUUT

WUD LVISS DO?” THENI RMEMBER:

GETHIGH UND PIGOUT. ANND ITHINK: “NAH.”

* For translation of PL8SPK, please see Page 36.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

Don’t Be Cruel

I was robbed and I didn’t even know it till a cop did pull me over. Why are you driving with no plates? he said.

And I am all: Impossible! Can’t believe it! Say it ain’t so!

My plate--”PL8SPK”--gone! Right there on the side of the Hollywood Freeway, my eyeballs popped out of my head. A felon, despicable, a mean one did it.

Soon I do calm down and then my shock transformed into something nicer. Obviously someone did rip off my plate because it’s a only-in-L.A. kind of pop culture artifact. Oh, my, yes! In my mind the thief went from coldhearted perp to a fan. Overzealous, true, but simply dazzled by my media image.

I had to deal with it. I am Mr. Fame. Like Elvis.

So how can I be shocked or, frankly, irritated, when one of my fans gets carried away? I do imagine that today my stolen plate holds the place of honor in a private shrine dedicated to my work. Oh, naughty fan! Naughty, naughty fan!

I did explain this to the DMV lady. Especially the part about Elvis.

“You’re trippin,” she said. “I, for one, never heard of you. The one who did this only wanted the 2000 registration tag. And now your plate is in the garbage somewhere.”

I’m crushed. I said to myself, “What would Elvis do?” Then I remember: Get high and pig out. And I think: “Nah.”