Like modern-day Ponce de Leons, scientists in...

Like modern-day Ponce de Leons, scientists in Boston are closing in on finding a gene that could add 20 years to the human life span. Obviously, they didn’t think through the ramifications. But we did. Here’s what lies ahead:

October 2002: Jesse Helms cancels his retirement from the U.S. Senate, saying he’s “good for at least another three or four terms. Yee-haw!”

January 2014: As the senior population swells, Leisure World purchases Arizona for its next “village.”

December 2016: In an effort to keep their music relevant, aging rock stars redo the lyrics to past hits. Eric Clapton’s “Cocaine” becomes “Rogaine,” and Steely Dan begins singing “Rikki Don’t Lose That Walker.” Other revamped classics include the Beatles’ “With a Little Help From Depends,” the Beach Boys’ “Medi-California Girls,” Bob Dylan’s “Like a Kidney Stone” and the Who’s “I Can See for Miles ... Thanks to Lasik Eye Surgery, but I Can’t Focus on Anything Close Up.” Lynyrd Skynyrd reunites to turn “Free Bird” into “Early Bird,” an ode to senior meal discounts.

August 2025: Larry King remarries for the 18th time.

February 2028: A Harvard study reveals that the average age for a midlife crisis has risen to 61 for men. Typical behaviors include buying a turbo-charged, cherry-red wheelchair and shacking up with some hot, young 49-year-old.

July 2029: In a desperate bid to keep the Social Security system solvent, President Dick “Methuselah” Cheney raises the minimum retirement age to 212.

January 2030: The youngest Backstreet Boy celebrates his 50th birthday, but the group is still considered a “boy band.”

September 2030: NBC’s hit comedy “Friends” kicks off its 36th season with the gang hanging out in the coffeehouse, discussing Ross’ enlarged prostate.

June 2035: The PGA revises the rules for its Senior Golf Tour. In order to compete, players must now be at least 85 years old.

April 2037: Flexing newfound political muscle, the Hair Club for Men stages a Million Toupee March in Washington, D.C.

May 2038: Hugh Hefner dumps his “over the hill” 28-year-old girlfriend and begins dating the 21-year-old daughter of Britney Spears.

March 2180: The best-selling books in the U.S. are “Metamucil for Dummies” and “Harry Potter and the Shuffleboard of Doom.”

September 2207: Demographic changes force ABC to replace its faltering “Monday Night Football” program with a new sports show, “Extreme Bingo.”

June 2215: The Rolling Stones announce they are giving up touring to concentrate on studio work.