He Never Learned to Shut Up

Ron Luciano, former umpire and NBC announcer who has turned to writing books, is a 1958 Syracuse University graduate who was drafted by the Detroit Lions as an offensive lineman.

“I played tackle in college, but I was too small for the pros,” Luciano told the Cleveland Plain Dealer. “After my first year with the Lions, I went to Coach George Wilson and told him that I really enjoyed playing under him and I wanted him to put me wherever I could help the club most.

“He took me up on it. Two weeks later, I was traded to Minnesota. What a great sense of humor that man had.”

Trivia Time: Who is the only NBA player to win consecutive MVP awards with two different teams? (Answer below.)

Good-news-bad-news Department: Said Detroit Coach Chuck Daly after Joe Dumars held Washington’s Jeff Malone to four points as the Pistons advanced in the National Basketball Assn. playoffs: “Joe Dumars stood big. And you know what he got a ticket to? To play Michael Jordan.”

Said Forty Niner’s trainer, Woody Stephens, after Winning Colors won the Kentucky Derby: “She’s a nice filly, but a colt is worth so much more. She will be able to give only one foal a year, while a colt can have 30.”

Add Stephens: Of Wayne Lukas, he said, “I congratulated him, but you know I’ve been to the winner’s circle a few times myself. I’ve won five Belmonts, and he’ll never do that. I ran second in the Derby three times now and won it twice. By the time he gets to that, he’ll be so old he can’t walk.”

Lukas: “I like Woody. I hope I look as good as he does when I’m 85.”

Stephens is 74.

Add Forgettable Quotes: Said Billy Martin in February when asked if he had a drinking problem: “The only problem is that you run into a guy who’s a banker in the afternoon and thinks he’s King Kong at night. If one of those guys tries something with me, I’ll drop him.”

Add Martin: Wrote Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post: “Now we’ve got Billy claiming that three mystery men beat him up for no reason at all in a bathroom at a topless bar in Texas, a real classy place, I’m sure.

“Billy’s 59 now, he’s recently married, a grandfather, he wouldn’t go anywhere sleazy. Knowing Billy and how fond he is of telling people he’s a deeply religious man, seeing those tiny crosses he wears on his cap, I’m assuming he went to that topless bar to save souls.”

Kornheiser added: “I’d love to believe you, Billy, but each time you get into one of these scrapes--and it’s not like they swing by every 76 years like Halley’s Comet--your story is completely different from everybody else’s. You can’t even manage yourself, why are you managing 24 other people? Do us all a favor, Billy, take a hike. Get outta here.”

Trivia Answer: Moses Malone. He won in 1981-82 at Houston and 1982-83 at Philadelphia.

Quotebook

Peter Gent, author and former Dallas Cowboy receiver, on athletes: “Baseball players are the weirdest of all. I think it’s all that organ music.”