Punch Lines

A Fella’s Flick: “Deep Impact” smashed the competition. “Cities are destroyed, millions die. Now that’s a guy’s idea of a date movie.” (The Daily Scoop)

Waterlogged: Members of the late Jacques Cousteau’s film team say he faked some of his underwater scenes. “I always wondered why in one deep-sea exploration I saw a bathtub drain in the shot.” (Premiere Radio)

Not the Write Stuff: A California teenager has been charged with a felony for writing an essay about killing his teacher with a gun. “His parents are totally shocked. They had no idea he could write.” (Argus Hamilton)

Kid’s Play: A 5-year-old Memphis, Tenn., boy brought a loaded pistol to his kindergarten class last week, authorities reported. “I really think it’s the teacher’s fault for holding ‘Shoot and Tell Day.’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Fowl Play: “Infuriated by the burning of a Puerto Rican flag during a ‘Seinfeld’ episode, a man in San Juan has retaliated by roasting a peacock.” (Hugh Burr)

And on the Seventh Day: NBC will air a TV miniseries titled “The Bible.” “It will run six straight nights, then you can rest.” (Jerry Perisho)

By George: George Michael is keeping busy these days. “He’s writing a new, do-it-yourself handbook.” (Chris Pina)

Much Ado About Nothing: With the last “Seinfeld” nearing, networks are taking advantage of the hype by redefining their shows. “ ‘Jerry Springer’ will now be described as a show about roughing. The Food Network is planning a show about stuffing. Court TV has a show about bluffing.” (George Raymond)

Martha, Martha, Martha: Martha Stewart is claiming that a former employee is demanding money from her. “Yeah, she’s so mad she’s seeing magenta.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

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Premiere Radio’s Reasons the Postal Service Is Raising the Price of a Stamp:

* Running out of places to “lose” your mail.

* Consultants are needed to plan the next rate hike.

* Donations to the National Rifle Assn. are expensive.

* Mr. Zip needs cosmetic surgery.

* Plans to add the head of “Seinfeld’s” Newman to Mt. Rushmore.

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.